Post from April, 2010

Hello My Baby, Hello My Honey

Friday, 30. April 2010 21:20

Sometimes I could just squeal with glee at something Ellie will say to me as I’m pushing her up and down the aisles of the grocery store. Often times, she makes me laugh so hard my eyes water. When this happens, we invariably round a corner to see someone’s lovely grandmother or grandfather smile at her and remark about her big girl helping skills. This results in a furrowed brow and deafening silence. If I’m close enough, she will hide half of her face behind me and with her visible eye shoot ice daggers more powerful than Dr. Scholl’s wart remover directly at the individual. No amount of encouragement can elicit a smile or a whispered hello. It leaves me feeling like the poor sap who discovers the singing frog from Bugs Bunny only to have it do nothing but croak when anyone else is around.

Category:ellie | Comments Off | Author: karacter

It’s What’s for Dinner

Thursday, 29. April 2010 20:15

I was telling a friend of mine today that while I was drying my hair, I noticed a wooden salad fork behind the toilet. So the real question is…ranch or french?

Category:food, gross | Comments Off | Author: karacter

Fart Fetsival

Wednesday, 28. April 2010 3:54

Ben, Ellie and I were lucky enough to be taken in by my very fun cousins during Ellie’s first ten months while we tried to sell our house in Illinois and start anew in St. Louis. We moved so that Ben could attend law school (a whole other Geraldo show for another time). The accommodations were five star. The bedroom we were in is the size of our current living and dining room put together so there was plenty of space for Ellie to sleep with us in her little pack ‘n play.

At right around the five month mark, I started hearing a cacophony of trumpeting at 4 a.m. Bleary-eyed, with the sight of a fruit bat sans my glasses, I would squint from the comfort of my pillow to see if John Phillip Sousa was back from the dead. It was, indeed, my delicate little flower thrusting her toes straight into the air like a Pilates expert, performing in staccato, and sighing with pride like a frat boy. The festival usually continued for a good ten to fifteen minutes EVERY morning. She went right back to sleep. I, on the other hand, had to stuff my face into the pillow to muffle the pig-snorting laughter.

This will be the story I choose to recount when she brings home her boyfriend, Sly, for dinner who calls me dude, has a tattoo on half his face, and kicks our cat when we’re not looking.

Category:body, ellie | Comments Off | Author: karacter

I’m moving to Alabama

Tuesday, 27. April 2010 23:31

This brings me sheer joy.

Category:uncategorized | Comments Off | Author: karacter

Far be it from me to Judge

Tuesday, 27. April 2010 19:56

Bravo television was created for the sole purpose of making me feel normal and perfectly within my rights to stand on my pulpit of judgment. It is, by far, the most delicious guilty pleasure. And, if you happen to watch it WHILE eating m&ms, be prepared. You might need a cigarette when it’s all over.

Patti, from ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’ is my favorite. She says things I not only wish I could get away with, but actually has the ability to think of it on the spot. Not three days later. ‘Tabatha’s Take Over Salon’. Brilliant. The mere fact that she cares more about the businesses of salon owners, than the morons who own them, to me means canonization for her in the hair afterlife.

‘The Housewives of the…’. My commitment was the original O.C. and I poo pooed the possibility of ever cheating on them. To date, I think I’m almost caught up with New York and New Jersey. I used to get made fun of in grade school for my rather disproportionate lips (which, actually matched my disproportionate feet and knees). I relish the fact that it’s now trendy and women on this show shoot up so much collagen that they sound like Mush Mouth from Fat Albert. I’m hoping some day, in the not too distant future, double-chins will be the rage so I can have something new to relish.

I have to mention a couple of TLC shows. Let’s start with ’73 kids and Counting’. I watched one episode and am not even able to sit through a trailer without wanting to poke a sharp pencil in my eye. Religious opinions aside, Mama and Jimmy Bob talk into the camera like they’re having a vision. Like they have been personally smacked on the foreheads and temporarily see halos and angels from the impact. Maybe it’s just the years of trying to figure out which kid needed a clean diaper. Regardless, they look Stepford.

‘Jon and Kate Plus 8′ makes me want to rip out my hair extension and porcelain veneers. There isn’t enough space on the server to continue on a dead horse that’s being beaten.

In summary, please don’t ask me about the state of our nation, Somali pirates, health care, or nuclear weapons. I am too consumed with Bret Michaels’s recuperation, Larry King’s infidelity, and Hugh Hefner’s generous donation. Amen.

Category:reviews | Comments Off | Author: karacter

Go Diego Goes Poop?!

Monday, 26. April 2010 19:01

Okay. It takes a lot to offend me when it comes to bodily functions. I’m not a huge fan of boogies, but that’s one for another post. If you’re wiping it off someone else, you have to be able to laugh about poop (we call them dudes in our house, I just felt that wasn’t as *in your face*).

I watched an episode of Go Diego Go with Ellie this morning. He was helping a friend’s Grandfather get strawberry seeds to plant in his garden. Diego called on the assistance of a green Iguana whom he instructed to eat some existing strawberries. He then asked her to hold the seeds in her belly until they could reach the garden via a fifteen minute series of harried adventures. Certainly this isn’t going where I think it’s going.

As the duo could see the Grandfather’s farm some distance away the Iguana announced, as if starring in a Pepto Bismol commercial, that Diego would have to step on it because she really had the need to *go*. WhAT?! Now, if I were thinking, I would have just turned this off, but I wasn’t. I had to see how this played out. And OH it was SO going where I thought.

Diego rushed the Iguana to the garden where you can actually see her drop little *seeds* in nice little rows. And, if that’s not magical enough for you, some monkeys water them with miracle grow and voila! They have instant strawberries. Makes you wanna rush out to your local farmer’s market, doesn’t it?

The best part was when they summed up their adventures at the end and actually said, “…iguanas poop out the seeds..”. True or not, gross. Because I chose to finish this to the end, it’s just a matter of time before Ellie announces during a trip to Shop ‘N Save, that we don’t need to buy strawberries – she’ll just poop ‘em out.

Category:body, gross | Comments (3) | Author: karacter

Keepin’ it Real

Monday, 26. April 2010 17:14

My Mom’s coworker and friend, Amy, has a daughter named Julia. At the time, when Julia was five, she was *helping* her mother get dressed for a fancy event. As Amy was putting on her pantyhose, Julia watched in amazement and said, “Mom, why are you stuffing your fat into those things?”.

Category:body, conversations | Comments Off | Author: karacter

Oiled Up

Monday, 26. April 2010 2:30

Ben: I just remembered I have a banquet Saturday night. That really messes things up.

Me: What does that mess up?

Ben: Aren’t I supposed to jump out of a cake at your cousin’s bridal shower?

Me: You can do it earlier. Tell you what. You can even keep your speedo ON and just throw your suit on over it and out the door you go.

Ben: Seriously, if you ARE having strippers, keep those oily bastards in the basement.

Category:conversations | Comments Off | Author: karacter

Academy Award-Winning Tantrum

Monday, 26. April 2010 2:10

My youngest brother, Gary, who is now 34 holds the world record for consecutive award-winning tantrums. No lie, he pitched ‘em until his voice changed somewhere around thirteen. One Christmas, with all eleven family members gathered in our living room for the celebration of the baby Jesus, he was mortified that he was denied [insert something stupid I don't remember here]. In the middle of the room, he screamed at the top of his lungs that he was going to go to his room until he died. He then stormed off, turned dramatically at the entry and screamed, “IF I LIVE THAT LONG!”.

Category:screaming child | Comments Off | Author: karacter

Big Nipples

Monday, 26. April 2010 2:02

Ellie: Mama, are those your big nipples?
Me: Yes, Ellie.
Ellie: Do you love your big nipples?

Me: No longer able to breathe from laughter.

Category:body | Comments Off | Author: karacter