On the way to school this morning I reminded Ellie that we’ll be going to an open house tomorrow evening to check out her new school building. As I was pitching all of the new amenities, I told her that her classroom has its very own potty.

Ellie: Mom, does the new potty have the same kind of flusher that we have at my school?

Me: I don’t know honey, but we can certainly check it out. We’ll also get to look at the new action room and see your new playground. You’ll have a special cubby inside your class for your coat and your back pack. There are lots of pretty windows and even a couch. It’s so exciting.

Ellie: Mom, I think the first thing I want to do when we get there is go to the bathroom, see what it looks like, check out the flusher, and see if the flusher makes the same sound as the one at my school.

Ellie has a new affinity for Altoids. She informed me that Altoids are not really candy. Eating them helps improve her bad breath. She carried a tin with her throughout our tour of the Arch. At the top of the Arch we met the cutest little two-year-old girl. With a little bit of prompting, Ellie told the girl her name and said hello (so proud of her) and everyone went on their merry way.

Some time later at the Arch museum, Ellie saw the girl playing an iPhone game with her Dad from across the lobby. Ellie looked at her beloved tin and then at the girl and said to me, “Mom. I’d like to share my candy with that little girl.” My heart jumped and I took her gently by the hand to ask the girl’s father if she could have a peppermint that might permanently freeze her esophagus.

Ellie approached little Raven and asked her if she’d like some candy. Raven came over, gently helped herself, and gave Ellie a hug. As we returned to our seats, I was fighting with the lump in my throat and just when I thought I’d lost my battle with it, Ellie said to me, “I think that mint is really going to help her bad breath”.

A certain someone small and cute volunteered to sit on my lap tonight while watching Dora. It lasted for forty five minutes and there was even a head lean on my shoulder. Prior to this, the record was fifteen minutes. I had to be resuscitated when she got down because I didn’t inhale the entire time. It was glorious.

I’m choosing to not use her name for fear it could get out and change the course of destiny.

I would be lying if I didn’t admit that there is a small part of me that believed attending parent training at TouchPoint Autism Services would solve all our problems. This is akin to the warped thinking I had when I thought the mere PURCHASE of Billy Blanks’ Tae Bo workout tapes would give me thighs that could crush a coconut.

I’m not opposed to hard work. Unless the Real Housewives of Somethin’ Somethin’ is on. My difficulty is with repetitive tasks. Like weeding. Once I’ve done something, I just want to check it off my to do list. Forever.

So, when Ellie revisited some previous behaviors that were of the slightly less desirable nature, like screaming for 60 solid minutes because the sprouted onion she found in the kitchen (I’m not proud. Or Betty Crocker.) wouldn’t stand upright in the towel she was using for mud in which to plant the onion, I found myself fighting the urge to have my own meltdown. I have to remember that setbacks don’t mean digression.

Walking down the hallway at preschool is delightful. The artwork displayed, particularly their drawings of people, makes me truly happy. This is one of Ellie’s recent drawings. It is of her dad. When she finished it, she showed it to him and told him that he has an oval head. Then she took it back right away saying she’d forgotten something important and went right to work on it. It was his coffee mug. Now, not only is it complete, but more priceless than any piece at the Louvre.

Someone please sedate Punxsutawney Phil. Immediately. This is day two of my personal groundhog day and if we go into a third, I will need more than a mild sedative to get through even two more days of winter. Much like everyone I know, I was looking forward to returning to our regularly scheduled program post holiday.

Unfortunately, Ellie has a humdinger of a sinus infection. I hate seeing her sick. In addition to not feeling well, this throws quite a hitch into the Aspergers portion of our daily activities. If it’s an arduous task to keep up with all of life’s inconvenient imperfections on a good day, boy howdy when a fever is present, it’s a whole new play book.

Scream the following phrases through tears to see how funny they sound. Don’t let Ellie hear you do it though because these were not at all funny to her while she was screaming them through tears over the past 24 hours.

• My hot chocolate is too hot!
• This pillow isn’t square! Make it square!
• When I cry it makes me gag! Make me calm down!
• My pants are leaking!
• Get the hair out of my mouth!
• I can’t wear those pajama pants with that shirt!
• I don’t want butter on my noodles! How come there’s no butter on my noodles?!
• Every time I eat this soup it drips on my shirt! Change my shirt! I don’t want to be wet!
• I’m sweating! Make me stop sweating!
• I do NOT have a fever! I do NOT have a sore throat!
• Put my slippers on! Take my slippers off! I want my slippers back on!
• I have an owie on my finger that you can’t even see! I must have a band-aid!

The only effective way to get our jr. entomologist to brush her teeth is to declare that there are scorpions living in between them and they must be eradicated. She loves it and while the routine must always be the same, it doesn’t hurt to throw in an occasional wow factor. Tonight, I heard Ben tell her that he found one in there would not only sting her but make her face fall off if extreme brushing didn’t occur. I don’t know how to top that one unless I call Orkin in for a personal consult.

I was invited to a wedding last week. The other six guests were blankets and we were seated together in one pew. The bride looked lovely in her long pink party dress and handmade bead necklace as she instructed us, with hands folded gently on a small table in front of her, that we needed to remain silent. When the music began, we were to look for the bride and rave about her beauty. After the very brief ceremony we were told that it was time for the bride to greet all of her guests which she did with the airs of a 1940s Broadway actress. Each blanket received a warm hug and a kiss on the *cheek*. The mother of the bride, who was last (but not at all bitter) received the same treatment with an extra hand squeeze. I’m still waiting for the reception to start.

To celebrate Ben’s new job, we went out for dinner. It’s one of the things I do best. Ben ordered linguine calamari. He found a squid that actually looked squiddish and casually placed it on Ellie’s plate. Ellie’s eyes got big and then she squealed with glee as she picked it up, looked into the areas where eyeballs used to be, and talked to it like an old woman would talk to her beloved poodle. She announced that this is her new pet and that it’s name would be SquidEllie. Well, Ben, my Grandma, and the entire wait staff thoroughly enjoyed this and a small, clear Solo cup container with lid was procured so that she could take it home. Not my idea.

The following morning, the first thing Ellie wanted was her squid. The night spent in the fridge didn’t help poor SquidEllie look any fresher, but Ellie kept it close to her while she completed her morning routine before school and begged to take it with her to show her class.

Ellie proudly showed SquidEllie to her teachers and classmates then decided she’d prefer her pet stay within the safety of my care while she went along to do school things. Fantastic. SquidEllie sat in the front seat of a warm car for two hours while I ran errands. Every time I got into the car I looked upon it with the same grimace PeeWee Herman did when he walked by the snake tank during a pet store fire in PeeWee’s Big Top.

Thankfully, the novelty has worn off and Ellie hasn’t asked for SquidEllie’s company. I think I’ll let it sit in the fridge a few more days and then help it find its way into Ben’s new briefcase before he goes to work one day. Mwahhhh.

I am currently the wife of a Federal District Court Law Clerk. Open your doors and windows and listen for this. AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! That’s me screaming. I have no voice left. Ben went in at 10:00 am for an interview this morning and received a call from the judge at approximately 11:07 with a job offer. I’m so happy I might make out with both of them.

We took my Grandma Aggie out with us to celebrate tonight. Ben had linguine calamari. As a result, Ellie came home with a 2″ squid in a to go cup. That’s for a later post.

The purpose of this post is to scream from the rooftops that I couldn’t be more proud or happy for my hard-working, deserving husband. Also, I’ll be glad to no longer be on food stamps.