Every time I’ve heard the term “lifestyle change”, I’ve wanted to puke. I equate that with, “No more cookies, you fat bitch. Ever. What? You want a Cheetoh? Well, the only thing orange you’ll ever eat again is a carrot!” I know. Not overly dramatic or illogical in the least. I never am.

One thing I can be is tenacious. After my third chin grew and started puberty, I decided it was time to get it ready to send off to college. I wasn’t prepared to commit to the dreaded “lifestyle change”. So, I didn’t. I decided to try not to eat so much crap and exercise more. Also, for all you water whores out there, I’m glad drinking 45 glasses of water each day works for you, but it tastes like wet dust to me and does not fake me into feeling full. I make sure to drink some, but I have no camel ambitions. I don’t count points or calories either. It makes me nuts and I don’t have time. Again, I know it works great for some. For me, it just makes me think about food more. Blech.

So yeah, it sucked at first. I knew it would. I also convinced myself to be patient. That, if I did have a cookie, it didn’t mark the end of the world. That I didn’t have to polish off the entire bag in a dramatic finish. I even plateaued with my weight. For an entire month. I kept on keeping on. Even ramped up my work outs and minimized my carbs.

The results are fantastic. I feel great. My knees no longer pop when I lower myself onto the toilet or go down the stairs. Also, the combination of eating better and working out has taken away my desire to eat garbage. So, that “lifestyle change” can suck it. Even though that’s just what I’ve done. We’ll keep it our secret.

All in all, this is my pep talk to myself. Keep going, Kara. I’m proud of your hard work. Your first 5K will be here before you know it and you’ll be ready. You’ll have lost even more weight, increased your metabolic rate, upped your core, decreased your muffin top, sweated like an old fat man in a sauna, and a whole host of other official exercisey sorts of things. Now. Get out there and enjoy that 100 degree day! Only about 20 pounds to go!

While working on several craft projects today, Ellie said, “I think it’s important to make homemade gifts for people. I want them to remember me when I’m dead.” Look out Meryl Streep. You’re about to be schooled in drama by an almost five year old.

I hate plucking my eyebrows. So, I don’t. Salon waxing is expensive and results in a perpetually surprised appearance. For four dollars, I invested in a brand new product, Sally Jensen’s Eyebrow Waxing Kit, to use in the comfort of my own home. I wanted to share the directions, with you, my viewers.

1: Choose a time of day conducive for this process. I selected lunch time so I could be interrupted continuously for spills, “more” of something, and questions regarding brown things.
2: Scan the kit’s directions briefly. Then toss them aside.
3: Heat the solid wax in the microwave for 90 seconds.
4: Grab the container from the microwave in a fashion that allows the newly melted wax to splash onto your thumb skin.
5: Swear.
6: Place the effected thumb skin in cold water to harden the wax, therefore making it impossible to remove.
7: Consider briefly, that you’ll be putting this near your eyes.
8: Head to the bathroom to begin.
9: Understand quickly there’s a reason why you lie back in the salons as melted wax is extremely drippy.
10: During the application of the wax to the eyebrow region, be sure to keep both eyes open for accuracy. And, so some drippies land on the tips of your lashes.
11: Allow the wax to harden on your eyelash tips. Then, very carefully, yank the wax glumps and ten or so lashes attached.
12: Swear.
13: Attempt to rip the dried wax from your brow region in one fell swoop. Like the professionals. Then, fail and perform two dozen small rips instead.
14: Invent a new swear word.
15: Admire your handy work. Your brows will look great if you can manage to see through the tears and look past the unsightly burns on your nose, cheeks, and chin.
16: Congratulations! You get to do this again every 3-4 weeks. Or, as needed.

Me: Ellie, do you know that our good friends are on their way to England? It’s a long trip so they’re taking a plane.
Ellie: Well that’s exciting!
Me: It is. Maybe when they get back we can get together and hear all about their trip.
Ellie: HEY! What about ours?!
Me: Our what?
Ellie: Our trip!
Me: What trip?
Ellie: We DID go to the horseradish festival today!