I have meat issues. They are far too complicated and numerous to begin to explain or bore you with (pardon my dangling participles…I attribute the dangling to aforementioned heat…enough said). My latest meat issue rests with restaurant logos personifying the type of meat one might be eating in said establishment. Happy pigs with cowboy hats and aprons country line dancing over western style typefaces do not make me hungry for baby back ribs. A longhorn donning a chef’s hat while smoking a chili pepper does not elicit the salivating factor of Pavlov’s dogs.

I’m working on a way to carry this marketing campaign over to the high-fructose corn syrup, trans fat, artery-hardening segment of the food groups in an effort to create an equally powerful aversion. I haven’t worked out the details but it involves imagery of M&Ms, french fries, peanut butter cups, and Cheetos entering a battle of epic proportions, the likes of “300″ or “Gladiator”. Stay tuned. And, if you act now, you can receive a year’s supply of oat bran. A $3,000 value. And wait! If you act now, I promise to kick Kevin Trudeau in the head the next time I see him.