Ellie: I like this book about being thankful.
Me: That is a good one. Do you know what I’m thankful for?
Ellie: What?
Me: I’m thankful for such a fun, smart, beautiful daughter named Ellie!
Ellie: Do you know what I’m thankful for?
Me: (preparing to melt) What?
Ellie: Rainbow sprinkles at FroYo.

My friend, Karen, over at solodialogue.wordpress.com bestowed a few of us Mamas with an Honorary Oprah Award. Now, don’t get too excited. I’m not givin’ away any Chevys. I am, however, providing a transcript of an interview with Ellie. This has been fun and I’ve enjoyed reading what the other kids have had to say. Grace over at thatsrightisaiditdotmom.wordpress.com is one of those Moms who makes me laugh lots and lots (note to self: poise pads are on sale).

Ellie, what do you want to do when you grow up?
Everything.

But if you had to pick just one thing today, what would you pick?
But I like all the things.

Right. But, your job right now, is to just pick one. After this interview, you can pick everything again.
Bee keeper and an ice skater. Do I have to wear something on me to be a bee keeper?

I believe so, to protect you from stings. Those are two great choices.

Favorite holiday? What makes it best?
I like all of the holidays.

Yeah. It’s hard to choose. But see if you can just pick one for right now.
Halloween because is its scary. Making up costumes.

If you could live anywhere, where would move?
I’d live in all the places. [Are you sensing a theme here?]

Yep. It’s hard to choose, but could you be a lamb and just pick one for Mama?
I’d live in the city. There’s many towns. A maze because I can turn my eyes into dots like cities.

Who is your best friend? What do you like about him/her?
Kaleigh, Jaiydyn and Lucy at school. My friends are the girls. They play with me.

You have some mighty good friends, don’t you?

What toy would you buy for your best friend’s birthday?
A rainbow toy that lights up with all of the colors and then there’s lots of buttons to push with all the colors and then they glitter and sparkle. And also a candy one. A light up candy one.

What do you want for your own birthday?
Chocolate edmames. I just like that they’re chocolaty.

What family rule do you think is the most unfair? Why?
I don’t like when you use your rough voice. It hurts my ears and stuff and then I get mad when they try and hurt my ears and that’s how I get super mad. And then when you use your rough voice I go to my bedroom and take a time out. Then someone comes into my bedroom and I hide my face because I don’t want someone to see my face.

Well honey, that’s something you don’t like. But do you remember what rules are? What is a rule you don’t like?
When we start to get mad, I walk away. That’s one of my rules. I don’t like any rules.

This was the official end of the interview, but Ellie wanted more questions.

What is your favorite color?
I like all the colors. [Knowing I'm going to insist on choosing, she immediately follows it with...] Peach.

Who do you like to watch best on tv?
Dora. And also Diego. But, I like my own show that I make up that I can tell other people about the princess.

What’s your favorite food for breakfast?
Cherries and strawberries for breakfast.

How about lunch?
Green beans for lunch.

And what do you like best for dinner?
Rosemary rolls.

Chocolate, vanilla, or strawberry? Which is the best ice cream?
I know I like all of them. Insert my “choice please” face. Chocolate.

What is your favorite toy?
Crafts.

Ellie still didn’t want to end interview time. So Karen, I’m sending her to your house for the 60 minute Barbara Walters Special. Good luck with that.

I’m not one who subscribes to guilt. I grew up Catholic and am now reformed. However, I got served a guilt cocktail with a gut punch chaser yesterday. I’m still feeling a little fragile.

So, Ellie is four now. The strides she has made are nothing short of miraculous when it comes to kicking Asperger’s right in the ass. She is and will always be my hero. On the patience scale, I think I do pretty well. But, I’m a Mom. A human one. And with that comes the occasional crack in my veneer.

Never does Ellie leave my side while at home. She was never a baby to crawl into another room to get into things. I am her companion and toy. We play together a lot. She rarely plays with toys. Instead, she follows me. Everywhere. If I need to unload the dishwasher, I will try to set her up with an activity only to find her by my side before the dishwasher door has been completely opened. For the most part, I just make it work but on days where I’m rushing from room to room, trying to get ready for something, it’s disconcerting to nearly step on her over and over. I’ve explained to her that she lives in her wonderful house and her wonderful house wants her to go into any of the rooms any time she wants – especially her own room where there are fun things to play. Following Mommy is sometimes just boring.

Ben and I had a wedding to attend yesterday and my frustration level peaked. I told her I needed her to go in the other room and eat her graham crackers so I could finish. I pleaded with her to do something other than follow me ALL THE TIME. I actually said, “honey, it’s just not healthy”. Of course, my literal girl said, “You mean following you can make me sick?” I explained that it’s just a good idea to do lots of different things.

She obliged. After five minutes she came to me and said, “Mama, I’m sorry I’m aggravating. Of all the things to do, I just like being by you the most. I love you.” Even as I write this, I can’t stop the tears from welling up. I stooped down, told her that she is my most favorite person in the whole world and I there is no one I love more. She let me hug her big (and for a kid who used to never allow hugs, I drink them in like nectar). When she pulled away and looked in my face, she asked, “Did I just give you some happy tears?”. That would be a resounding, “YES!”. For so many reasons.

I’ve only shared this story with a couple of people who I know will appreciate it without saying “enjoy them while they’re young…some day you’ll miss this time”. The only phrase that makes me pucker more is, “all kids do that” in response to explaining some of the behaviors of children with Autism.

While exiting a tram at a local attraction, Ellie said to me, “Mom, if you have a baby in your tummy, do you have to go to the dentist for the dentist to pull it out? How does the baby get in there anyway? Do you go to Target, buy a pretend baby, get it batteries, then put it in your tummy so when it starts working, it comes out real? And, does it hurt?”.

After my response, which I won’t bore you with, because it was perfectly thought out, succinct, and age appropriate, I did tell her that having a baby can pinch a little. She took this time to inform me that she will NEVER. EVER. Have a baby. And, that she will NEVER. EVER. Ride a school bus.

Duly noted.

Me: Ellie honey, there’s an appraiser coming over to the house this morning. He’s going to be here for just a few minutes and maybe take some pictures.

Ellie: Is it the plumber?

———————

Overheard conversation with Ben to cat as he was petting her head. “Yeah, that’s right. I wanted a bird, but instead we got you.”

———————

Ben to Ellie: I brought a pizza home for dinner, but you and Mommy can’t have any. It’s all for me.

Ellie to me (rolling her eyes hopelessly): Mom, we just can’t listen to him when he’s like this.

———————

Me: Ellie, do you think your butterfly, Izzy made it to her family reunion in Mexico yet?

Ellie: I don’t know Mom. It’s a long way. I’ll need to look at a map when we get home to see.

———————

Ellie: Mom, I picked some fox tails and want you to hold them to keep them safe. If you get hungry, it’s okay to chew on the ends, if you want. Oh, wait. Not the FUZZY ends.

———————

Ellie: Daddy! Don’t open the door when I’m going potty! I need “privace”!

Ben: So sorry.

Ellie: Dad! I finished putting my dudes in the potty. I’m ready for you to wipe my bumpus!

—————-

Me: Ellie, you really like to watercolor, hu?

Ellie: Yep. It’s really pretty complicated.

I went out tonight with friends. For two whole hours. I kissed my family, told them adios and had me a mojito. When I returned, Ben informed me that as Ellie’s bed time neared, he found her on the couch, in the fetal position crying because she forgot to tell me she loved me before I left. [sniff]

Ben made her some warm milk which is part of the nightly routine. She took it but announced she was far too upset to drink it. After another ten minutes of crying, Ben asked if she’d like to call me to tell me that she loves me. She told him she really wanted to but she didn’t think she’d be able to talk. She was too upset. After a few more minutes of crying, she looked up at him with tears hanging on the ledge and said, “Oooh! I have a GREAT idea! How about I draw a watch on your wrist with my marker?” Ben obliged. As she was completing it she told him, “I’m feeling MUCH better now. Let’s do this again in the morning. Remind me.”

At the end of the preschool year in May, Ellie’s teacher put a book together for each student based on questions she asked them. One of those questions was, “What do you want to be when you grown up?”. Ellie’s response was a juggler.

Luckily, Ellie has the same classroom and amazing teacher this year. When we visited for the open house, Miss Carrie asked her how summer was? Ellie turned despondent and said, “You know what? I have some really bad news. I’m going to be an ice skater when I grow up.”

I’m going to make a generalized statement. A bold one. People who have more than one child living with them on a permanent basis are mentally deranged. The following is a partial list of questions Ellie asked of me in the first thirty minutes of awakening. I have only one child. I am mentally unstable. Therefore, individuals with more than one are…what was I talking about?

What did you do with my cigar?
Ask the lifeguard if you can blow her whistle.
Pretend to be my meeper but you’re too shy to talk. Why aren’t you saying anything?
Do we have to wash my hair tonight?
How come you never take me to parades?
If Carson yells in school, how do I tell him I don’t like it?
I only want warm noodles with salt and spices. On a clean plate.
When will I get black spots under my armpits?
Is this a new bottle of whiskey?
Can I ask you one more question?
I’m gonna need this chocolate milk warmed up. Not a lot. Just right. PLEASE!
Are you wearing a tank top?
Why is it still morning?
Are you using that lime, potato, garlic, and cornstarch?
I don’t want breakfast. I just want something to eat.
Why do I say breakfast like “breftex”?
Will you make me a scuba mask? NO! A real one. Use this pipe cleaner.
Look at all the dudes I put in the potty. I think they’re having a family reunion.
When I go to kindergarten I don’t want to ride a bus. I’m too scared.
Why is this soap only for your face? I made the sink all clean with it?
What does partial mean?
Why did daddy want to know if you hug the plumber?

This is how I woke up this morning.

Ellie: Mom, pretend you are me and you’re driving to see the penguins and it takes a really long time to get there and you ask how much longer a lot and when you get there you have to unbuckle your seat belt and don’t see me at first but I’m a penguin and I don’t move very fast because I’m carrying an egg between my feet and you try to talk to me but you have to talk softly so you don’t scare me and you try to feed me and want to hold the egg but you can’t and you really want to and you tell your mom you want to and she tells you that you can’t because the egg is fragile but you still want to hold it.

I’m so going to have to teach her how to make coffee first.

Ellie: Mom, I’ve prepared a performance. I need you to come into your bedroom and sit on the floor. Before we get started, there are some rules. There is no touching of stuff and no talking. The performances are only at night and I have to shut off the light.

Ellie leans against the bed, all cool like James Dean.

Ellie: Hi. My name is Abby. Remember the rules. I’m ready for my performance.

Ellie climbs up on the bed and makes up a song and wiggles to it. At one point, she says “disco” and appropriately strikes a “Staying Alive” pose. When she’s finished she climbs down, announces that it’s time to go home but that another “girl” will be performing soon. She then she hides between the bed and wall for a minute or so before taking on a new persona. Repeat the above scenario about twelve times.

I become slightly disturbed as each “girl” is introduced with a more distracting name than the one before. Hannah, Holly, Cashadon, Wickywill, and Tuna. She then informs me that she is wearing her swimming suit that shows her tummy and that the “bones” part of her costume has “streamers” that she thinks are fancy. The bones to which she refers to are breasts and I haven’t corrected her. Don’t judge me. I’m trying to wrap my mind around the burlesque show going on in my own home.

I finally had to stop the performance when loose change was found on the nightstand and Ellie announced that I would have to start paying for the entertainment. Someone please pass me a paper bag to breathe into.